I woke up in the night. Something woke me up. It kept me awake. Grinding at me. Until eventually I sat up in my bed and cried. Not the silent tears I learnt to control growing up in a house full of people, not wanting to explain when I was sad, but proper sobs. My flatmate was away, the people in the flats above and below would have been asleep. It was tears and pain and anger. I clenched my fists tight, pulling at my hair, wanting to dig into my skin with my nails and tear, calling out into the dark inbetween cathartic sobs: "Please, please stop torturing me! Please. Let. Me. Sleep." And eventually I did.
I'm not depressed, it's something else. I hope it doesn't happen again.
Anyway, I DID have a good and busy weekend. Drinks with collegues, dinner with old housemates, audience participation on a tv show, Tea with Baby Sister, lunch with school friends, and random karaoke. Minimal mind fucking. Minimal idle hands. No devil's work. Result.
XX chromosome bearing, thirty year old, hybrid of ethnicities, reluctant scientist, new Londoner seeking curl definition, fat-free chocolate and happiness.
Email me
numberwithheldATyahoo.co.uk
2 comments:
You seem to often say you are lonely and sad. It seems you are having difficulties connecting with others, and think that the problem is that they don't want to connect with you.
Such a problem is not uncommon with scientists/intellectuals - it is an introversion/attachment issue but can be quite painful and cause a secondary depression. You simply spend more time in your mind than other, less intellectual, more social people do.
And when it comes to men, sure thin is in, but many women who are not thin are happily married, and many thin hotties are chronically alone - again, it is one's own attachment - learning to interact more; to attract others and let them in.
You are a great writer and I'm sure you are a wonderful woman. Project that out into the universe and see what comes back...
thank you for your comment. Very kind of you to go to the trouble.
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