1) Weekend- Am busy ensuring my weekend is full of socialness and friends. Have discovered that me alone for two days a) fucks with my mind, b) "devil makes work for idle hands".
2) London Paper- Am loving being pleasantly surprised to find blog roll people writing the column. I have to fight the urge not to excitedly tell the poor soul sat next to me on the bus that I "know" Ms Willows or Mr Ebola!
3) Sister- Barely talked to my sister (the one with the problems) in ages. She actually sounds quite cheerful lately, but maybe it's that she got me so utterly mentally and emotionally worn out with her recent near breakdown, that I just have nothing left to give. Or maybe I've had my own shit and don't want to fucking look after everyone anymore. Think this goes for other family members too, I love you, but you've taken it all out of me.
4) Roast- All I crave, but rarely, rarely, get is a traditional Sunday lamb roast with all the trimmings. I finally had one Sunday gone with the most exquisite gravy and a glorious view of St Paul's. Shame about the lack of yorkshire pud and company.
5) Soul- This week has been the start of a spiritual time in the religious calendar of "my people". I've been aware that I've lately needed to re-find my soul. It's a personal thing between me and God. Sometimes I don't seem to know what to say to Him. I've done something that is morally suspect. Part of me is ashamed to bend my head and pray and another wants to cry out to the sky and ask you to please stop. I'm essentially a good person, who would never want to hurt anyone else, but when you're drowning, you violently draw for every lung full of air, you do whatever, even it is only a transient relief, even if in the longterm it destroys you. And I know you know that. This spiritual month is good for me. It grounds me, I can feel that already as I tentatively find my soul.
6) Facebook- I loathe Facebook. I hate it for a number of reasons, but one is that I'm a private person, and Facebook is an invasion of my privacy. I personally have no interest in showcasing my friends, my life, my thoughts, my social life, my photos, my bloody "current status" to everyone from long gone school acquaintances and distant cousins to work managers it would be rude not to add and people I must have lived with. Bloody hell. And no that's not what blogging is for me. Blogging is an anonymous exercise. I would rather shoot myself in the eye than add my face and name to this page. I'm deadly serious. BUT, you have to be in it, to keep an eye on it, ie. I keep a wall-less, photo-tags and friends hidden skeleton page so that I can keep my enemy (Facebook) close. SO when I bloody find myself cropping up on friends and collegues photos it does my head in. That's me there, me, I don't want me displayed on the bloody internet, with me having little control over it. bloody Facebook.
7) Identity- Lately, more and more I dislike that people can guess what race and religion I am before I've even opened my mouth. It never used to even remotely bother me before, but now it does. See I don't see that- I go about life not labelling myself, I'm just me. Unless I catch my reflection, I forget that I'm the visual manifestation of a whole people and their associations- bad and good. Bad and I feel on the defensive, good and I feel a hypocrite. You can't just be the young man who walked into the shop, you're "The Gay Guy" or "The Chinese Guy" or "The Jew". You know? I'm not a label and more and more I seem to be trying to hide the visual symbols- right or wrong? None of it makes me comfortable.
8) Boys- He did eventually email. After more than a week of silence. Apologies about absence, something about big work projects on. Right, like I've not heard that one before. I know that physically he is attracted to me, my self esteem is rocky lately, but even I can tell when a guy really does want me like that. However, I'm not doing THAT to myself again. That thing when a guy is only interested in getting you naked from time to time with a whole lot of ignoring your existance inbetween. It's been five years and I still let Mr D flit in and out of my life. My heart can't take another Mr D. So I left it a day or two and replied dismissively. It's a bloody shame, we've been good mates for a couple of years now, that I'll miss, but even as a friend he's unreliable and hasn't half messed me about.
9) Introspection over- I'm GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
8 comments:
aren't we heading towards the end of the season for lamb; it's one of my favourites too ...
oh don't tell me that! There is no other meat worth it but sweet tender succulent lamb..
Where friends on FB put up a picture of me, I ask them to remove it and I tell them why: I am uncomfortable with having my image online. There are a couple of school photos floating around but they are pretty harmless (i.e. blurry). My friends laugh at me good-naturedly but always kindly comply.
The problem with having any kind of life online is that anonymity is never guaranteed.
the problem is that certain friends/collegues are soo trigger happy with their digital cameras and then facebook, that every party you see them at, they'll be snapping away all night and then load onto their page immediately. It's bloody ridiculous. And quite often even if you make a point of telling them you dont want to be facebooked, you'll still end up on there in the back ground of some picture and will piss everyone off if you make a big deal about it.
as for online never being guaranteed anonymity- yes, you're right, it's a risk which keeps me up at night:)
Take deep breaths, lie down...
Nah, I can't give advice like that. I'm a seeting ball of rage too.
why are you angry?
6 and 7 seem to be related, in an odd way. I really identified with this: "You can't just be the young man who walked into the shop, you're "The Gay Guy" or "The Chinese Guy" or "The Jew". You know? I'm not a label and more and more I seem to be trying to hide the visual symbols". I can't even be in a room and be ignored, I'm 'the white girl'. And if foreigners who are working for me, suggest they can 'get away with' stuff that locals do all the time, I have to be the spirit weraying po faced bugger who points out that they can't, that everything they do wiill be taken as endemic for anyone from their culture forever more. It's tiring.
Tiring and a bit shit. You shouldn't have to feel responsibile for other people's ragbag of biased impressions. No wonder it gets you down.
Yes that's exactly it. Since childhood, I ALWAYS stuck out. I used to joke that it stunted my potential life of crime because I was so identifiable in my mainly white neighbourhood. My parents always reminding us how important it was that we behaved well because otherwise we'd just help reinforce bad stereotypes.
Thirty years later, yes it is tiring and a bit shit. But hey ho
Post a Comment