Daddy's Girl

Dad's about. I hadn't seen him for a few months. He's been fine and sweet and all. And yet, I keep going into instant defensive mode, before there's even anything to be defensive about.

I'm terrified of being left to have a conversation with him for anything longer than a few minutes. I spent a fair few hours the other day at the family home just utterly anxious. No particular reason. Just anxious of hearing any family financial horror stuff, or of him asking me personal questions or him somehow getting me to do stuff I don't want to do. He has always had such power over me. He rarely commands me to do anything, but often he just has this way of getting me to do stuff. He uses "reason", he uses "gentle words", sometimes it feels like emotional blackmail. He has my best interests at heart, and like all parents, loves me to a fault, problem is though, that what he thinks is best for me, has had a habit in the past of being the very things that have been utterly the most horrible things to have ever happened to me. Which is why I am soooo on the defensive now.

He's noticed my distance. "Are you ok sweetheart? Is work ok? Are you happy there? I feel like I've barely talked to you..you seem..a bit angry.."

God, and I just feel guilty now. Cos he's my dad and he's lovely, but he just has no idea how much he's hurt me and why I have built this wall now. I even find myself repeating this mantra to myself sometimes: "I'm a strong, independant, adult woman. I can say no. No one can make me do anything that will make me unhappy. I can say no. I am a strong adult woman". Jesus.

I laugh it off to him, tell him, I'm just a bit grouchy cos i'm hungry and he's keeping me from the stove. He gets that, and laughs back.

Oh Daddy, I was always the good one, the Dutiful Daughter, the one you always relied on. The one you confided in. But it broke me.