Fuck it

It's been four days and I've heard next to nothing from him.

Thursday was out late dancing away at a friend's birthday celebrations. Before I took to the dancefloor, I spent a fair amount of time away in a corner having a heart to heart with Good looking Matthew look alike from Work who sometimes is so sweet I want to grab him and cuddle him. He opened up to me about something that was close to home for me and I found really heart breaking. I could see how painful it was for him and what a big deal it was that he was confiding in me. I seem to have this effect on people, they spill their guts to me. God, I wanted to hug him at that moment. But the guy is also in the process of a very messy breakup and last thing I need is to be the rebound girl. Not that he'd be interested in me- but who knows, he DID compliment me twice that evening on my appearance.

Friday I had dinner with the American. I've not seen him in two years. We had a relatively short dalliance at the time, which was only significant in that he was the first person I had full intercourse with. He wants to see me again Bank holiday Monday, but just isn't going to happen. I have no idea what I was thinking when I got intimate with him back then, how did I miss how utterly self absorbed he is? He asked how I was on greeting me and that was about it for conversations directed at me. The rest of the evening revolved about his work, his lovelife, his interests. And the truth is I don't even think he is even slightly interested in me at all, and the only reason he wants to meet up again, is cos he could do with the company on his day off and he probably doesn't want to go to the theatre alone. And ohmygoodness, the worst of it is that he has the most shockingly repulsive grin I have ever seen. Honest to goodness, the guy is good looking until he smiles. I've never seen anything like it. It got to the point where I was glad when he was talking about his recent breakup because it didn't involve him smiling. Fucking funny. Where the fuck do I meet these people?!

Saturday I had Anita's baby's bday, in which I got greeted by a number of people with variations on: "OhmyGod, you're the fantastic belly dancer from the wedding!". I was part embarrassed, part chuffed that they thought I was any good. But over all the party just depressed me. There were about 30 people there around my age (a number of school friends), along with assorted kiddies and all were there hand in hand with their partners and/ or children. Jesus, I think I was the only single person in the house. I tried to mingle and be fun, but the demonstrative affection, cuddles and closeness of the couples was getting me down. I actually have no idea what that is like to be in a loving relationship. I'm almost 31 and I honest to goodness, don't know what it's like to be in a loving relationship with a man. I have no fucking idea. I'm lucky if a guy acknowleges me next day, let alone anything else.

I then went home, where Dad bless him seemed very chuffed to see me, and rather under fed, so I spent the whole day cooking enough food to stock up the fridge and freezer. I left this evening, cos my nerves couldn't take waiting for the inevitable argument to break out between him and my sister.

So, on the train back here I had plenty of time to think. I think, somewhere along the line something has gone very wrong for me concerning my ability to meet the right guy, or even a nice guy. I'm either unlucky, or I have certain issues I need to deal with, or there's something about me that is unnattractive and unlovable. Who fucking knows.