Wednesday, 25 June 2008
Six Months
I knew it had been some time, and a quick check of my calendar revealed that it's coming up to six months. That's six months of not even a kiss or a caress. Yes, I suppose I am man starved. But it's a funny one. Most of the time, I'm not particularly bothered at all, and other times I'm blowing hot and cold. There's no denying I have a heavy dose of man/commitment fear going on. Any talk of going on dates with eligible batchelors with honourable intentions seems to have the same effect on me as say cod liver oil on ryvita bread..I want a man. I don't want a man. I want a man. I don't want a man. I'm terrified of being trapped by a man. I'm terrified of loving someone. I'm terrified of not being in control. I'm afraid to expose myself- physically and emotionally. You are vulnerable, you get hurt. And with casual, there's also: unsatisfying, cold and disposable. I still think of him often, he doesn't think of me at all.
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15 comments:
Nicely put; you've summed up the whole quandary for me. Though the reference to cod liver oil on ryvita.... Eeeew! :-)
do kids get force fed cod liver oil anymore? Oh happy days..
How do you know what he thinks? That would be a neat trick! As you've said, you should try sitting down and having a proper conversation with someone once in a while. I think the Internet fucks up people who are sensitive to things.
ooh how's that comment from?
I'm a London Blogger. I'm not saying go out and have that conversation, I'm just saying that the bunker mentality of bloggers is ultimately self-defeating. After reading, reading and more reading; looking for signs, trawling site statistics, consulting ouija boards and reading the book of quotations for answers, you wake up one morning, you're suddenly 35 and you've been inadvertently on the defensive for 15 years.
You know all this already.
:) wow, you've made a few assumptions about me there. I don't tell the whole story here. I have my reasons. The blog's just a diary, a place i vent or record thoughts and events. It's fragmented, never whole.
I was exaggerating of course, using you as a sounding-board ...
do you have a blog?
Yes, but to be honest it has my real name on it and it's not very private - it's on the London Underground tube map - and nobody goes there (thank God!) - I'm making a new one soon that protects my identity better :)
r_r76@mac.com
I'm not sure why you need a man to love?
Can you not just pick a man and see how you get on? Take things at your own pace as you feel comfortable?
anonymous- ah so you ARE one of the bunker mentality bloggers! :P Be sure to send me your new url once you're up and running.
contractingout- hello :) re; your comment, ..i don't think i say anywhere in this post that i need a man to love. That was my point, I'm scared/apprehensive of love etc.
Anyway its not important, i wasn't looking for answers. I blog, diary-like, this place is just somewhere i write what's going on and where i think out loud.
Thinking aloud is therapeutic, really, very very good for the soul. I do it when I'm travelling but only when I'm in the car because if I did it on the tube people would look at me in a seriously not good way. Some of the things I find myself saying/blogging though? I wonder how I manage to get anything done when my brain is obviously in free-fall so much of the time. Anyway. I just wanted to say that it *is* important. All parts of our lives are important because we have value and we add value and we are value.
you should run for office-what a fantastic closing sentence!
Snap. Apart from the 'men' bit.
fuckinghell you have my social life (weddings), fitness fads, freak accidents (sudden onset back pain) and now my love life..
*twilight zone*
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