and fat and ugly and a yet again great at making a fool of myself. I'm in a lovely hotel room, made for a couple, high in the sky, with a fair view of one of the most famous cities in the world, thousands of miles from home and a continent away. I've played the tourist, I've seen monuments, I've taken photographs, I've rode ferries, I've seen spectacular views from skyscrapers, I've met up with an old friend, I've made a new friend, I've hung out with work collegues, I've played the professional and utterly what it keeps coming back to is..God, I'm lonely. Some one talk to me, anyone, talk..to..me.
Amongst the neon lights, the rush of traffic, people and cameras, I quietly sit on stairs and try to overide the crushing emptiness inside. And I've been making an effort with my appearance, pushing the apathy aside and trying to dress more like a woman and less like I'm still a student. At first the trick seemed to be working, I felt better about myself, confident, heck, even pretty. But still no one talked to me. And then I flew to another city, with three-way full length mirrors and better lighting and I've been mortified. My God, my body's a mess. I can't bear to look at the layers of fat I've put on. My face is..is just round. I can't stand to look at me, how can anyone else? Personality, my arse. You have friends for their personality, lovers require a level of physical attractiveness as well as personality. I'm cringing at recent memories of people I've tried flirting with, or men who have used me then split before the sheets are even cold, and stuff..like..that.
And now I think about it, the only incidents that may loosely constitute persons flirting with me in the last two weeks were: a) a homeless guy trying to gather spare change, b) a crazy loud guy walking down the street who shouted to the male collegue I was walking with, that: "Damn! Mm-mm, some guys have all the luck!", d) a bartender who was probably just hustling for tips, and e) that cute guy in the airport that kept catching my eye, but seeing as he did nothing, I think we can deduce he probably just thought I was a security risk and was probably nervous about the size of my ruck sack..
Tomorrow, I'm going back to scruffy jeans and hoodie. COMPLETE waste of time and effort. Today's post was brought to you by the phrases "Pathetic" and "Self-Pity", but it's my blog, so I'll write what the heck I want. I'll probably remove this in the morning, once it hits me how embarrassing exposing my pathetic soul to the world (3 people that sometimes read here) is.
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4 comments:
I spent a week a year ago walking around New York by myself. I reasoned it was a big exciting city: I didn't need to go with anyone, as adventure would find me. I was wrong, and, after another solo trip in Spain of wandering around wishing I had someone to chat with, have now admitted to myself - as much as it pains me - that I'm not built for holidaying alone.
I first holidayed alone in the Middle East bck when you could do things like that, and it was - ok.
I went mental on day 1, but hostelling helped. Then I did India, then did it again, plus Thailand. By then, I was a seasoned indie traveller, but a mate came out to see me and I sank into a depression when he left.
And as for physical self-loathing, one semi-word: Ha! I wrote the book on that, my dear.
And if it helps, and it should, I reckon about 89% of people feel like this at least 50% of the time.
Keep your chins up. I'm trying. A little. And if it helps, men find women with a little more girth sooooooo much more attractive than skinny waifs. Trust me on that.
huw- ditto..see i knew this before i ventured off..i was worried about spending too much time alone with myself..but no, i reasoned it would be fine..wrong!:) to be fair I wasn't entirely on my own, there were substantial moments with others, but overall i was mainly on my own.
fweng- i have to say its refreshing reading your page, purely because i thought it was only women that could be so self loathing. I like getting a male perspective.
"girth" is SUCH an attractive word! :) :)
Girth???
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