Bossman

Ohmygod, had another barely remembered, romantic, but non-sexual dream about my boss! What the heck?!

Kept slyly looking at him at work today and thinking how sweet he was to me in the dream. And how odd and weird it was. Which made me think of B who sits nearby and how I had a similar dream about him a while back.

Though that atleast follows on from how he melted me at the work Xmas bash. I'd never thought of him in that sense before or since really, but he has left an impression on me. He was pissed out of his mind, and evidently that brings out the affectionate in him. It was powerful stuff. The dancing, the tender cuddling, the kissing my head. He had me (no- not literally!), and I knew he would not recollect any of it. But I got a glimpse of this absolutely adorable side to him, and that's it, I kept it to myself.

I think if I'm honest, deep down, what's going on, is that I'm a bit male affection starved. What sex I have is cold and my subconcious is just making up scenarios about men who are nice to me (even if they are my boss or a drunk collegue) to feed my need for tenderness.

Anita asked me at lunch last sunday about whether I was ever going to settle down. I tried to convey the anguish and fear that are deeply tied in with this subject inside me. I said, "I guess there's alot of stuff that happened a long time ago that maybe I need to get over". I said, "I suppose I spent a lifetime having my life controlled by others that I can't bear to relinquish control ever again".

And it's true, I now can't visualise myself ever partnered up. There will be no children, there will be no husband. It's not going to happen, this is my solitary path. "I'm happy just doing my thing, I'd rather stay alone then risk letting a man in", I said, my tone unsure, but driven by that anguish.

"But mate, a good partner is about a partnership, it's not about control. It's out there. C, you're ok now" she said, "but will you think this five years from now? Will you be happy being 35 and on your own?"

Jesus, I don't know, I'm just trying to keep my head in the sand and my arse in the shade- and what a mighty wide shade that would be :)